Do you know who I think I am?

Since I have almost nothing to post about, I’m just gonna post up my essay that I did for my composition class…comments are encouraged…

Friends are people who show cooperative and supportive behaviour consistently towards you. Friendships usually involve mutual knowledge, esteem, fondness, devotion, and interests. According to the article, “Friends, Good Friends-and Such Good Friends” by Judith Viorst, there are about nine basic types of friends. The particular category that I want to rave and rant about is best friends. The best of friends totally love, support, and trust each other. Furthermore, they are supposed to bare the secrets of their souls, tell harsh truths, and to accept without judgment reciprocally. I am proud to say that I have had my share of best friends. However, after multiple breakups and hook-ups, I have to frankly say that best friends is so overrated and transient that sometimes, you are really better off without it.

Contrary to popular culture, one of my best friend was a girl. I was never afraid of appearing unmanly as I have always wanted someone with whom I can share my problems and personal experiences with. Besides that, I also had a male best friend, so he compensated the ‘unmanliness’ for me. We started out as distant acquaintances, but we gradually became closer as we realised the openness, compassion, and mental stimulation we provide each other. The friendship then graduated into a relationship that is united by immense love which was proved by actions. Nevertheless, Robert Solomon was right when he said that love is a socially irresponsible word in his article, “I-LOVE-YOU”. It is irresponsible because once it is said, it cannot be undone. Since it cannot be undone, you will no longer remember the time when you were with somebody when it was not said. That is what makes the word so agonizing. It is especially painful when the actions that someone is supposed to do in reaction to this word being said, are not conducted. “I love you” is indeed, an indirect attack to someone.

In my point of view, this disaster-prone word increases my expectations wildly. I will expect the person who says it to me, to give me undying care and support. If I were to picture a great best friend it would be someone who has the tendency to desire what is best for me and a person who is truthful, especially in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth. I also would love a person who is sympathizing and empathizing. Honestly, even though I have had many friendship experiences, I have never had a friend which came close to those requirements, not even my best friends. My negative perception on the word “I love you” comes from the dilemma I went through with my back-stabbing, lying, cheating, fake, and judgemental best friend. She is the paradox of all things friendly. I have been the most loyal comrade anyone could ever have but I have gained nothing but negativity in return. I was always there for her, no questions asked, in times of crisis. I was always concern of her well-being and I have always wished her all the happiness in the world. I have done nothing wrong and everything right, thus it pains me to know that I have never done anything remotely malevolent to deserve whatever that she did to me.

The friendship was satisfactory during the initial phase but it progressively soured because of her propensity to talk pessimistically about everybody. I was still contented with our relationship and I was afraid of offending her, therefore I did not try to confront her about it. I appreciated the time we have had together too much to just end the relationship abruptly. In addition to that, we have also professed our love for each other and obviously, there was no turning back. My boiling point was when she started to talk about me in a distasteful fashion, she continuously lied, and she was very presumptuous towards me. Believe it or not, I braved myself through all that for a couple of years. For someone with high self esteem, surprisingly, I became a doormat. I blamed this ineffable abstract feeling for giving me sleepless nights and for subjecting me to resort to fake smiles and well-wishes. I was a total wreck and this emotion of affections and magnetisms have made me foolish. I believe that my love for her was comparable to drugs; I just knew that it was detrimental, but I just cannot stop taking it. To add salt to the wound, the fact that it is damaging did not really hit me until the predicament had become severe.

Our final days as friends were filled with betrayal and defamation on her part. My best friend was in an abusive relationship. Even though I supported her completely throughout her ordeal, she decided to prioritise her boyfriend over me. She would even lie to me because her boyfriend told her to and she would tell everything I told her to her boyfriend which made her boyfriend hates me. She would embellish her stories to make her seem like the innocent damsel in distress. Although I knew she was never really a nice person at the first place, I was gobsmacked that she would leave me behind for her cheating boyfriend and degrade and demean me during the time that she needed compassionate friends like me the most. How can I still befriend somebody as dim-witted as she is? It was impossible that I can continue this arduous relationship anymore, so after five years of being best friends, I officially dumped her, much to the disdain of our mutual friends. It almost seemed like the perfect time to break off the alliance as we have both started to go into different educational institution. The silver lining of the choking dark clouds was that I have started becoming happy again.

Now that I look back, I see her stupid actions as blessings in disguise for me. Because of her stupidity, I do not have to go through redundant torment anymore and now I am able to stand on my own ground. I have promised myself to never forgive her unless it is for religious reasons. There is a famous quote saying, “A bad apology is worse than not apologizing at all”. There was a part of me that was going to definitely pardon her, but she has made advancements towards me before to apologize and she made it in the most egoistic manner. I was more offended than touched by her apology. How can you apologize without admitting to your wrongdoings? What would happen to me in the future if the same situation occurs? I am swollen with pride that I have gained freedom from this destructive cycle of pain. Solomon aptly puts it by saying, “I love you; what a terrible thing to say to someone”. Next time that I’m going to utter those words to someone, I am only doing it if and only if that other person is analogous to a soul mate.